The Dawning of the Age of Aquariums

I'm a new resident of the modern world. I got a cell phone about a month ago. I don't really have a problem with the technology, just the way that turds use it. You know what I'm talking about. Fartknockers yakin on a public transit type of thing.

Anyways, since I got this new number, I've got a couple calls from people looking for the guy who had the number before me. This morning, or this afternoon rather, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls and text messages. Here's what was on my phone verbatim:

#1: "Yo yo wa poppin"

#2: "Yo holla at me nigga"

#3: "Yo jemal holla at me wa wron wit u b?"

All these texts were within about 15 minutes. Then the phone rings and I answered it. To the best of my recollection, the conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?

Dude: Yo

Me: Hello?

Dude: Yo

Me: (silence)

Dude: Yo

Me: What can I do for you?

Dude: Yo jemal dere?

Me: You got the wrong number.

Dude: Where jemal at?

Me: I don't know jemal.

Dude: Aight

Me: Okay.

You'd think this kid would realize that Jemal isn't at this number anymore, but the text messages keep pouring in:

Jemal's Buddy: "Yo i dun gots da wrong num... Where jemal at bra?

JB: "If i gots 2 reach down there imma be pissed

JB: "Yo r u gonna reply back an let me kno wat good

No more texts for a while after that, so I decided to text him back:

Me: "I've had this number for about a month. I dunno any jemal, is he a hot stud?

Literally a minute later, he texted me back:

JB: "Yeah he iaght still... Wats about u wat do u looks like an wat iz yo nationality r u b"

JB: "How old r u?

Me: "87/sexual/latino"

JB: "Your 87"

Me: "My hip ain't what it used to be, but don't think I ain't still got a mean charleston."

I guess he doesn't believe me, so he asks me again:

JB: "How old r u?"

Me: "I was born in 1922. My grandkids think I'm kewl!"


I'll keep you guys posted on the hottest story since balloon boy if any more scintillating transactions transpire.